So we’re going back to the well today. I had another short story nearly done called “Alien vs. Predator vs. Matt” but that was less humorous and more me actually trying to write a compelling story involving Aliens, Predators, and Space Marines. It’s not compelling and it’s not funny, so I bailed. Maybe I’ll try to write again later today. But anyway, here’s Mike Bizzle.
by Michael Bay
Hey. Hey, nerds. Hey, nerds, fuck you.
I know you’re all super-pissed about me firing Megan Fox the “best part” of the BILLION DOLLAR FRANCHISE THAT I DRIVE LIKE A ROCKET SLED THROUGH HELL.
It’s 2010. Why doesn’t every car look like this?
Somehow I think you’ll recover. Mostly because A.) you guys will see whatever fucking Transformer’s movie I make, because B.) you’re all profoundly retarded, and C.) it’s not like we’ll replace her with a fat chick or something. We’re courting some elite ass to fill those jean cut-offs.
We might get fucking Brooklyn Decker. Have you seen those titties? Oh Action Jesus the things I would do to her.
She’s going to have really weird tan lines. She should probably just take that off.
What? She’s married? To who?
An athlete? Shit, like some badass tight end? MMA guy? Enforcer for the Blackhawks?
What the fuck’s an Andy Roddick?
Huh. Tennis Racket + milk moustache =/= badass. Weird.
A tennis player?
Action Jesus, I was worried for a second.
You know that song, “God’s Gonna Cut You Down?” It’ll be with a .50 caliber round from a mile away.
Anyway, I’m going to hit that like I caught her vadge kicking my dog.
Yup, still going to have tan lines. Should probably go ahead and strip down.
I’m sure I don’t have to tell you that the third film is going to be the best. The third sequel is always the best. Did you see X3? Brett sodomized Alcatraz with the Golden Gate Bridge. You want spectacle? There’s your mother-fucking spectacle! Spider-Man 3 had the most villains, including a giant monster, Venom who’s like Spider-Man, but better, because he kills people. Ewoks. Third movie’s always the best because we’ve finally ironed out all the kinks.
The number of people who would have had to sign off on these before they were even animated or their voices were recorded is staggering. I still can’t believe they exist.
We got rid of the “racist twins” which is really on you. If that’s how YOU see black people, then YOUR projecting YOUR self-held stereotypes onto MY jive-ass robots.
But whatever, in the next one I blow up Russia in a 12 minute long explosion.
Yup, there’s the problem. Lugnut. Fixed it.
You’re probably all here for the dirt on Megan leaving the project. Well, she parted ways with the production for a variety of reasons. The weenies who wrote the script wanted to “strip Shia’s character emotionally” and seeing how he stands without Megan,” which I’m pretty sure means they want to strip him and see how he stands fully erect.
Second, she wouldn’t check to see if my dick tasted funny.
Third, she’s on this whole “take me serious as an actress,” kick. I’ll remind you she posed like this.
Shine on, you crazy diamond.
And described on of her tattoos as being “next to her pie.” You get to be a free spirit or a respected actress, not both, sweet heart. Both is complicated and tabloid writers don’t like complicated. That’s why all the gossip rags are easy to spell and remember, TMZ, OK!, Us Weekly, People, it’s so the mouth breathers who populate them can remember where they work.
I wanted her to show some nip in the next movie, which would confound the Decepticons, because of something something. And she said no.
What the fuck, baby? Gather ye rosebuds while ye may and shit. She was worried about losing credibility, but let’s be serious for a moment, every
And that crafty fucking minx figured it out.
The studio also balked at the idea of her doing the entire second act topless (it was plot-driven. It takes place on an island where’s hot. Also, robots ate her shirt). They didn’t want to lose their precious PG-13 rating. Which I’ll give them. It might as well be spelled PG-1$ because a movie with hot women and explosions that teenage boys can easily see is worth almost as much as a woman’s naked body.
But c’mon you mean to tell me, you don’t think I, Michael Bay, Mike Bizzle, Mickey Bay-Kow, Mick the Knife, Captain Penis, Baron Von Explosion, M. Blizow-Blizay, couldn’t get the MPAA to give us a PG-13 rating anyway?
If any of those assholes stood in my way I’d accuse them of being gay. Or if they were gay I’d accuse them of being straight.
It’s foolproof, brilliant in it’s elegant simplicity.
But whatevs, whenevs, right? I’m sure Megan will do very well in her haunted cowboy movie and then bored now.
I think she needs to put her money where her titties are and make her own giant robot movie. If she makes one that earns more than Transformers, I’ll publicly apologize, and since fair’s fair I’ll do all the “demeaning” things I wanted her to do to help get into character; I’ll hang out at her house, naked, cleaning stuff and go down on her hourly.
This. Ex. Ists.
The best part of my day was writing all his nicknames.